Holodeck.

Someone turned off all the lights, right? It’s cold and Novemberish so only shiny things will do. I’ve finally joined the bandwagon I’ve been running alongside forever: sweet, sweet holographic nails.

Sparkle motion! Nail polish, £12, Urban Outfitters
Sparkle motion! Nail polish, £12, Urban Outfitters

I’m now in possession of THE NAILS I WAS BORN TO HAVE. Or, something like that. Ever since my sister gave me my first ever nail polish (Rainbow Glitter by Spectacular, fact fans), I’ve been set on this course. I am now myself, at one with my inner magpie. I know holographic nail varnish has been readily available for ages now, but I’m not too keen on mail order and 17’s offering didn’t seem up to much. £12 is a little ridiculous but it’s the real deal: my digits scatter rainbows, and I just wish I had some crazy acrylics to increase the sparkle. As it is, my purchase coincided with hacking my nails to within an inch of their lives – but you get the picture.

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Godzilla vs. Carrot Fingers

Images ably backed by my paper placemats. I cleared the crumbs off for y’all especially.

If Kleenex Were Wishes.

Getting decent visuals is the hardest part of blogging for me (you may have noticed), but for the whole past week it’s been decidedly nothing-to-see-here. Stuck with a cold, an eye reaction and a rapidly dwindling supply of Kleenex Balsam, I’ll let those tireless still life photographers do the work for me. Gimme:

Getting hella arty right now. Just humour me
Getting hella arty right now. Just humour me

Clockwise from top left:

1. Staring at Stars Leaf Print Shirt [as text]
I do love you dopey Urban Outfitters models, but I feel like this shirt is better hamfistedly cut into text. Every season there’s a particular UO shirt I want, and this time it’s this paisley/leaf number. It has a dipped back that I could do without, but it’s quite lovely IRL.

2. Melvita Extraordinary Water
HYDRATE ME PLEEZ. It’s not even icy outside yet, but my face is doing its usual autumn routine of falling off here and there. TBH I just like anything that has the audacity to call itself Extraordinary Water like some kind of relic. “Why’s your face so smooth?” “Oh, it’s my routine of Extraordinary Water and bathing in milk.” Yeah?

3. River Island Contrast Collar Shift Dress
I wore a this nice shift dress to a wedding the other weekend and it’s awakened something inside me. This one seems a little less formal and I’m thinking leather jacket, eyeliner, stompy shoes (as if I own anything else).

4. Morihata Binchotan Charcoal Eye Mask
I keep wavering between wanting this as a Chrimbo present and NEEDING IT RIGHT NOW. Supposedly binchotan charcoal is good at “deflecting negative ions in your home” which sounds great and futuristic and really I will try anything to get rid of this damned eye puff. Eye masks are also really good for allowing you to sleep through your alarm and miss all kinds of important things.

5. ASOS Africa Top With Check Double Layer
Okay. Am I crazy? The whole “layered so you don’t have to” thing is weird, but I do like this. Undecided.

Fluff.

You probably won’t be able to tell, but this post has been a long time in the making. First of all, I’d already written a love letter to this Topshop jumper by the time I found a loose thread that basically unravelled the whole thing – so we’re on Jumper #2, and I’m hoping ‘eyelash knit’/spider legs aren’t just inherently unreliable jumper materials. Then there were the damned photos. Down below looks like smiling, but it’s actually “if my feet aren’t in this shot, I’m gonna cut them off”.

Feet! And some half-stripped walls for yr pleasure.
Feet! And some half-stripped walls for yr pleasure.

Eventually though, it’s a post I felt worth writing. A cropped black jumper is as near as I get to a wardrobe staple beyond M&S underwear, and it’s a rare day I feel okay in an outfit this lacking in colour. You may also notice I’ve had a haircut. I’m still getting used to styling it, and today was a Head-and-Shoulders-and-see-what-happens kinda day. At first it was a bit Michael Hutchence (but Into the Gloss says that kinda stuff is okay), then a bit scarecrow… hairclips are still my friend. A bit of purple eyeliner and Rimmel’s ‘Not An Illusion’ Colour Rush Balm as well for my “I don’t give a damn about these photos any more” face.

I really, really don't.
I really, really don’t.

Cute & Sleazy & Cursed.

Goodness knows what this title’s gonna do for my search engine rank, but Cute & Sleazy is the name of this set of nail stickers from Sara M Lyons on Etsy (look closely enough and you’ll see there’s no skimping on the latter). I thought they’d be complimented well by the cutest and sleaziest new addition to my wardrobe, this leopard furry number from Primark. Teamed here with an H+M T-shirt dress that’s migrated half the way across my chest, and a new Topshop bag I’m holding back-to-front.

Outfit Photos 101: FAILED
Outfit Photos 101: FAILED

I’d waited for a bit to wear the stickers, and finally decided that today was the day: three fresh coats of Rimmel’s Black Cherries later, I realised that you were supposed to paint your nails with a light colour for them to show up. There’s a little strawberry on Ruby Ring, not that you’d know it.

Reading instructions: FAILED
Reading instructions: FAILED

Just to leave you with something successful, here’s my phone decorated in the normal-sticker versions, alongside a few puffy Japanese stickers and a poodle with blusher on. Makes reading this whole thing worth it, right?

HI I'M A POODLE WITH BLUSHER AND A BOW TIE
HI I’M A POODLE WITH BLUSHER AND A BOW TIE

One day, I’ll get better at all this.

Clodhoppin’.

 Don't look down
Don’t look down

Not sure how much my love for Big Shoes has been documented here, so let’s get to it. The moment creepers made a comeback circa 2008 or so, I was enthused but generally scared. I wasn’t sure about the whole statement, and then I had an eBay disaster when I bought a men’s size 8 pair (grey and blush lovelies, we were never meant to be) so I decided they weren’t for me. Happily enough though, big soles stuck around long enough for all kinds of shoes to get the stacked treatment. I’ve still never had a proper pair of Underground-style creepers, but this lot have been keeping me company for the last few years.

Ramsey Dr Marten Creepers

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Mud = love

These don’t seem so big to me now, but at the time I felt super elevated. You cannot go wrong with cherry red DMs as far as I’m concerned (I also like matching them to my jumper) and they’re classic enough to wear for as long as they survive – which is a long time, thankyou Goodyear construction.

Vagabond Dioon Boots

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For tall days

Here’s where I properly splashed out on Big: 80 quid for heelz when I’d heretofore been notoriously allergic. Vagabond got it right though, and I’ve been running around in these since March/April time. I’ve seen girls all over in variations on the Dioon (they do sandals, shoes and zip-up boots as well) and always smile appreciatively.

River Island Jelly Shoes

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Rainbow brite

I was able to wear these just once before autumn kicked in, but they’re chunkier than yer average Babe so I’ll shove ’em in here. Lovely icy blue tinge, lovely glitter, comfy as anything, and I really hope I can wear them again before May. Socks are my best friend.

New Look Chunky Loafers

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Tasseltastic

My most recent purchase, and the pair that inspired this post. I was on the hunt for the loafers in this wishlist but they only had size 7, so off to New Look it was to get these beauties. I actually wasn’t sure at first because I loved the other ones so much, but I’ve been completely converted. They stay on my feet (life with big feet/tiny heels is tough) and look badass whatever I’m wearing. £25 well spent.

So there you go: clunky, chunky and unsubtle is where I’m at. Stillettos, flip-flops and ballet flats be damned – gimme some substance!

The Rough With the Smooth.

What goes on with my nails is basically a micro version of my flighty aesthetics, the flip between class and trash all played out between cuticle ‘n’ tip. This post could be about coats or shoes, but today it’s nailzzzz.

New Look: thee glitz
New Look: thee glitz

Exhibit A: I saw these nail wraps in New Look and immediately snapped ’em up (although tbh the Little Mix wraps were tempting) then stuck ’em on. Aside from looking pretty awesome they are THE ROUGHEST THINGS EVER. Two coats of topcoat tempered them a little, but don’t even think about running your fingers through your hair. Definitely not anyone else’s hair. Top marks for easy removal though, so for that alone they’re worth it.

 NARS: down the chippy
NARS: down the chippy

Exhibit B: After all that I was dead set on something smooth and classic, so I used my sole NARS nail varnish in ‘Dovima’. I’m still pretty bowled over by high-end makeup, so this hasn’t been used anywhere near as much as it should have been – but DAMN it is classy. (I’m also afraid of classy.) Glossy and sleek and about eight flipping chips in as many hours. Sorry François, you lost this one.

Moral of the story? Nails aren’t a moral issue. Get outta here and paint/wrap/glue ’em good. I’m on a blue tip next…

Darken.

L-R: Stellar, Big Bang, Eclipse
L-R: RImmel Apocalips in Stellar, Big Bang, Eclipse

Now this is never gonna become a beauty blog, but sometimes it’s just a matter of surface area – it’s easier to choose a little bit of coloured gunk over all those yards of fabric. Thanks to some sort of eyelid complaint (ever glamorous), I’ve been focusing on lips the past week or so and bought two new shades of Rimmel Apocalips. This stuff is good ’cause it smells like watermelon sweets, is easy to put on, and has a ridiculous space theme that’s really nothing to do with anything.

Top-bottom: Big Bang, Eclipse
Top-bottom: Big Bang, Eclipse

I had the hot pink shade Stellar over the summer, but now it’s time to bring out the big scary shades. The whole dark-lips-for-winter thing might be a little clichéd, but it works damn it. It’s also the first time I’ve been brave enough to dedicate myself to lipstick, as someone who spends a fair amount of time (preferably all the time) eating/living/generally doing lipstick-destroying activities. I’m making friends with the mirror, although I quite want to splash out on this Illamasqua lip pencil in Severity to really hold it all in place. Speaking of severe…

This is my WELL DARK face
This is my WELL DARK face. Happy Halloween?

Pinny Party.

If you look long enough, you'll see faces. Dresses, Topshop
If you look long enough, you’ll see faces. Dresses, Topshop

I was looking for a dress, then I found a dress. More specifically, I was looking for a pinafore that wasn’t too short and pref in a light colour, then threw all my foibles away in Primark. Heaven knows I’m predictable now!

Truth be told, I was mostly looking out for an appropriate pinafore ’cause they combine a few of my favourite things about dresses: namely a tight waist with free hips, and endless customisation potential according to what you wear with them, but with more identity than a mere skirt. This number has skinny leather straps to differentiate it, and it’s now black tights weather so who cares about hemlines?

If you wanna buy me a camera and some daylight that'd be great! Dress, Primark | Shirt, Urban Outfitters
If you wanna buy me a camera and some daylight that’d be great! Dress, Primark | Shirt, Urban Outfitters

Everyone’s gone on about the childhood connotations of dungarees, but I have none of these – was I the only kid who didn’t wear dungarees, ever? Not entirely fairly, the one childhood picture that I identify most with sees me in a fake Ninja Turtles tracksuit from the market, a mullet and barely healed chicken pox marks. What I’m trying to say is: I rarely wore nice stuff as a child (apart from this obvs) so I’m wearing it now. I also have a large poster of a squirrel in my room. Make of it what you will.

Just me and my squirrel. Dress, Primark | Jumper, Gap via Goodwill
Just me and my squirrel. Dress, Primark | Jumper, Gap via Goodwill

Stapled Down.

This is what consistency looks like
This is what consistency looks like. Shirt, Uniqlo | Nail varnish, Rimmel

Just replenishing my staples, guys! However popular those “what every woman should own” lists are, and however many times I’ve considered following their advice, my own wardrobe staples have just ended up being stuff I like, and think goes with other stuff I like. That’s how it’s supposed to work, right? Crisp white shirt and ballet pumps getOUTTAhere. I’ve worn some form of blue gingham shirt every fortnight or so for the past seven years, and acid nails are a) essential and b) “all the way at the end of your arms, so they can’t clash with your outfit!” That last quote a paraphrase of Scary Spice, who can’t have known the impact her words would have on plastic young minds.

September means excitement about new-season stuff, but also a return to my ‘normal’ clothes – I’m English enough to consider the sun some sort of novelty. I’ll return to my tried-and-tested, that have pulled me through the wind and rain for all these years and have never fallen foul of the charity shop cull. Having said all this, it’s not yet been cold enough to wear the shirt so maybe I’m getting this all wrong. Have a picture of me circa 2009 instead, wearing gingham and holding a plate of Cheez. You’re welcome.